jongrieve.net > FAQs, Tips & Tricks > Optimal WinModem Configuration

Wonderful tip you give about configuring a winmodem. I never managed to get mine working before reading your hint, but now, after following your instructions, MIRACLE, it works.

Although, I must say, I had an expensive barbeque, as I needed about 30 such winmodems to get the chicken roasted.

^Dominique

As we all know, WinModems are Satan's own spawn. They're a bastard to install and rarely work well even when you do get Windows to recognise them. Eventually, they stop working - but there's no need to even wait that long..!

At the bottom of this page, you'll also find:

A WinModem dies at the Hand of God!
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Optimal WinModem configuration

You will need:

Your WinModem (either broken or still functional)
Some lighter fuel
A lighter
A rock

Prop the WinModem against the rock, squirt a good amount of the fuel over it and apply the lighter, as below:

Burn, sucker!

Now, generally, what you'll find is that the lighter fuel will evaporate too quickly and neither the circuit board or any of the components will ignite. Never fear...

Simply pick up the rock, lay the modem on the ground and bring the rock down hard onto the modem. Repeat this a number of times, until you feel a warm sense of relief wash over you.

Post-rock-beating

You should now have a modem similar to that shown above. If you do not have a rock handy, I would suggest driving over the card with a car as an alternative. If you have access to something heavier - perhaps a van or a tank - then all the better.

Please, send in your own configuration tips - I'd love to make this the ultimate on-line guide to reconfiguring WinModems. Mail me with your own links and pictures, and I'll add them below.

A WinModem dies at the Hand of God!

This is great... Forget rocks; forget fire; a WinModem killed using vast amounts of electricity is a new high - especially when the electricity was supplied by Mother Earth herself!

So, I get this call from my Brother... He can't get on-line because the modem doesn't seem to be working. It was fine yesterday, but today it won't dial or do anything. Oh, and there was a thunder storm, if that's a clue... A quick investigation inside the case reveals the cause of the problem -- LIGHTNING STRIKE! The strike has caused one of the chips on the board to seemingly explode, clearly seen below:

I informed him that his WinModem has been automatically configured for optimal performance, and that he should get down the local PC shop and buy a replacement -- an external model, preferably.

I asked him to send me the old one, which he did... although, as you may have noticed above, he did make one big mistake, which I'll share with you now:

When transporting a WinModem, do not under any circumstances protect it with bubble-wrap. Doing so may prevent harmful damage during transit.